SURVIVOR AUDITION TAPE
Scene One - on mountain top, with wooden spoon overed with aluminum foil for a microphone
WELCOME – to the top of the news at the top of the world! You’re listening to WNDA, a CBS affiliate – WANDA, live with Mike. Mike used to be just a wooden spoon, but like Pinocchio, he went to school to become a real boy, and now he is LIVE MIKE!
And at the top of the news in this election year – W announces candidacy today for Survivor! No, that’s not George W., the other W – Wild and Wacky, Wise and Witty, Warm and Wonderful Wanda! Polls currently indicate the 67.3 million more Americans will watch Survivor 10 than will watch either the Republican or Democratic conventions this year, so the candidacy of this W is the one to watch!
And now a word from our sponsor:
Put me onto Survivor; Put me into the game!
Make me eat bugs, give me hardships too –
I’ll do whatever you want me to do
For I’m always up for adventure;
If I don’t win it’s a shame!
And I’m FUN, Hon! I am the one for Survivor fame!
Scene Two – by jungle hammock
Financial news is next. Check out my home away from home. No, it’s not the Hilton or a Holiday Inn. I know how to live cheap. I like the simple life, and I’m a whole-hearted humanist who gives to Care, World Vision, and UN relief agencies. I’ve always believed in giving at least 10% of what I earn to help the less fortunate.
Sing with Ukulele:
With a million bucks to share, I’ll help people everywhere
In third world countries where they’re suffering.
There are people who are poor and I want to help them more,
And so to you my energies I bring!
Yes, Wanda wants to be on CBS TV
She will help to make your show a lot fun!
She has personality, and she’s clever as can be
That’s the reason why you out to pick ME!
Scene Three – by Susquehannock Trail sign
Now sports news: My sport is backpacking!
Every weekend a the trail head you can see me arrive,
I stand five foot three and weigh one-thirty-five.
Kinda broad in my outlook, and always lots of fun,
But when there is work to do, I can’t be outdone.
I can climb high mountains, and eat meager food,
And when things look bleak I’m still in a good mood.
I’m a Pennsylvania hiker, and fully alive –
I’ll out-wit, out-last, out-play and survive!
Scene Five – On bench behind house, wearing purple dress & red hat.
Fashion news is next: Now a word from the Red Hat Society – crazy ladies over 50 who just love to have a good time. They have their fun wearing clashing red hats and purple dresses. The boy scout leader? She was totally DUH! Next time, pick someone intelligent to represent women over 50: ME! (Doff the red hat.)
Scene Six – And now –
Today’s Weather: Hot, Hot, Hot; just like me! (Takes off shirt, showing swimsuit top)
And if you want to see the rest of the bikini – call for an interview!